Looking for a little holiday humor? Personally I think if you go anywhere near the mall after Thanksgiving through Christmas you’re crazy, LOL- but I know plenty of people who do it so be sure to read these 16 shopping tips before you do- yes some of them are pretty humorous.
1. Park deep. People who wait for close parking spots are wasting valuable time and missing calorie-burning opportunities.
2. Don’t feel shy about using disinfectant after your kid gets a photo with Santa.
3. Do not let your kids bring their baby-doll strollers to push around. Those are cute the rest of the year, but Christmas shopping at the mall is about speed.
4. Always ask if there are more of the item you are looking for “in the back.” The back of most retail stores is a wonderland of unexpectedness. They might have what you need.
5. Bring a spritzer bottle, like you’d use on a cat clawing your furniture, to spray kiosk people if they bother you.
6. Okay, you can’t really do that, but get good at buzzing kiosks like Tom Cruise buzzed the air tower in Top Gun. Some of those folks have great deals.
7. Don’t confuse “talking time” with “shopping time.” If you’ve got a friend who wants a heart-to-heart talk, don’t multitask and bring them to the mall. They’re only going to slow you down. You need friends who will be like a remora on the belly of a shark as you swim through stores quickly.
8. Always, always, always ask about a store’s return policy. Some stores have return policies thicker and more confusing than calculus textbooks.
9. Only let your kids play on the free mall playgrounds if you’re trying to get them a raging cold for the holidays. Those playgrounds are like malls for germs. They breed coughs on those things.
10. Watch out for trains. Our mall back in Atlanta added a big train that tears through the mall. Look twice before crossing at Cinnabon.
11. Shop on big sporting event days. Live in Tennessee? Go when the Vols or Titans are playing. Green Bay? The Packers. Everybody’s at home watching the game!
12. “Buy one, get one half off” really isn’t a deal if you didn’t actually need either item. You just got two things you didn’t need. That’s lose-lose.
13. Allow your kids to push the button on the elevator. Trust me, this is one of the greatest thrills of going to the mall for them.
14. I once read that if you have to try on clothes in a dressing room, bring dry erase markers for your kids. They can color all over the mirror without consequence.
15. Drink a coffee before you go, not at the mall. You need both hands free. At all times. For judo chops if it comes to that. I don’t want it to, but at least be ready.
16. Tell your kids the carousel is broken. You know it’s not. I know it’s not. But it doesn’t count as a lie if your kids think it is. We are constantly telling our kids the ice cream store is closed. Trust me, this is a great move.
Don’t want to trick your kids? Fair enough, my friend, fair enough. Just don’t blame me when a sea of shoppers is washing over the mall and you’re fighting with another mom because your kid wants the frog on the carousel and not some common horse.